Thomas started school a month ago and it seems that in the last week everything is clicking with him. He's talking so much more and he's much more confident in social situations. He's changing so fast it's making my head spin. Last week, he still seemed a little bit like a baby and lately he's moving towards boyhood with rapidly increasing speed. He's finally discovered the power of words and he's just delighting in it. He says mommy or daddy a hundred times a day just for the joy of having us respond to it.
He's singing songs, his favorites being Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, and The Wheels on The Bus. I'd been hearing him saying the words of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes but they were a little out of order so it took me awhile to realize it, but when I did I sang it to him and he just looked at me all stunned like he couldn't believe I knew that song too!
Today he had his first real dentist visit where they did more than just give his teeth a quick glance. He just laid back and wore the sunglasses and kept his hands folded on his belly button just like they told him to. I could tell he was nervous because his little belly was rising pretty quickly with each breath but he didn't cling to me or freak out. It was amazing. He acted the same at the doctor's office, no crying or trying to get away from them.
I'm so conflicted about all of it. Obviously I'm over the moon for him and so so so proud of all that's he's doing now but I also just feel sort of guilty. I should have taken him to more playgroups. I should have done this and that and blah blah blah. It hurts that school is encouraging such a large amount of growth in him. I've wanted to homeschool him for as long as he's been alive, but if he's doing so well in school then why would I change that? Even if my reasons for wanting to homeschool haven't changed...how do I know what's best for him? I thought I was doing everything right for him but I was failing.
The rational side of me says that school at 3 years old is very different from the coming years ahead. Just waiting the ten or so minutes for the bus to arrive is proof enough that I don't want my child being "socialized" by that group of kids. Luckily the brats get on the first bus and Thomas rides the one with the sweet kids every morning.
I also feel like maybe I am doing what's best for him by being flexible. I did notice that T needed some help and I sought it out for him and that's what good moms do. Still...I can't help but be angry that I'm not perfect, or guilty for not doing something sooner, or sad that he's growing so fast.
I never realized how bittersweet parenting was. This all encompassing love that just overshadows every fiber of who you used to be, balanced by the knowledge that you know none of it will last forever and you'll make mistakes and they'll grow up anyway.
Ahhhhh if I'm feeling this way when's he's three how the hell am I going to handle the rest of it. Word on the street is that this only gets harder....
Sorry if this is all rambly and ridiculous. I did warn you that I'm emotional. Though I'm pretty sure that my dad is the only one who reads here anymore and heaven knows he's dealt with my emotional outbursts more than once before, lol .
